merlin:

Raising Some Concerns

Apple in particularused a state-of-the-art sales operation that some say is unique, but is raising some concerns.

Okay. I’ll bite.

• (First, I think you’re missing a space there somewhere.)
• “state-of-the-art” - Really? Wow. Can you be sure it’s solely “state-of-the-art” and not also “cutting edge” or “best of breed?” Because, those are all probably really good things, too.
• “some say” - Ooo. “Some?” And, it’s something they “say?” Excellent sourcing! I’m a huge fan of “some.” I love when some “say” things.
• “unique” - Oh, I’ll bet it’s “unique.” I’ll bet it’s literally unique.
  I’ll bet it’s literally uniquely unique.
• “raising some concerns” - Aha! Well, perhaps one reason that some say the uniqueness of this sales operation is so state-of-the-art has something to do with its powers of intransitive levitation.
  Oooooo…loooooook! The concerns! They’re riiiiiising!

Anyway. How about this:

Apple’s novel approach to courting educators has increased sales, but drawn criticism from watchdog groups.

Not perfect. But, a little clearer.

And, as some say, cliches, buzzwords, and generalities muddy the clarity that defines this state-of-the-art sales operation that some have called, “writing.”

Skullfucking clarity raises some concerns.

Merlin Mann being awesome again.